disintegrate

rate

Today was like another ________ day.
& ACTUALLY, everything could be well, except for this blooooody incident. Well, i shall not say anymore, because it might really caused the mood for the day.

ohwells.
6 papers down, 7 papers to go.
I didn't study for both Physics and Social Studies paper,yet social studies came out things that I know. & physics was totally screwed.
Luckily I have a 2nd chance, MCQ! -Phew.

twinny i damn love :)
Sisters and brothers i love :)
jiaowei queen i love :)
everyone i love.

teapot i detest.

I KNOW THAT YOU ARE READING THIS.

fucker,

So what if i screwed up my studies.
So what if i said i wanted to study and gave up on my subjects
So what if i screwed up my own fucking life?

ITS NONE OF YOUR
FUCKING BUSINESS

AND IF YOU WANT TO CONTINUE BELIEVING IN WHOEVER YOU WANNA BELIEVE, GO AHEAD LA.
AND STOP ASSUMING.
DON'T ASSUME THAT I WAS SAYING -JIE JUST NOW.
I WASN'T OK.

&
YOU are not my mother/father or whatever SHIT.
YOU DON'T judge my life.
I LEAD my own life.
DON'T come and tell me all those shit.
I DONT EVEN CARE.

Just fuck off will you.
you spoilt my fucking mood today.
you fucker. fuck off.

4 papers down, 9 more to go.
English paper was half screwed. So ya.
(:

i'm giving up on Social studies tomorrow, as well as physics. so yep. (:
good luck everyone. <3

In life, there's often ups and downs.
Mine is, today.

I was moody since the beginning of the day, obviously, its due to my surroundings.
It did not start well, like my normal days would be.
Ohwells.
I have been trying my very best to put up the smile in front of them, but somehow, sometimes i failed, and i got neglected. Im definitely not trying to complain or whatsoever, im just trying to make it noticeable, make them aware, that im actually suffering, right before their eyes.

Studies, i'm like a failure in this aspect of life. Studies.
From express, to Normal Acad. I suck, totally.
It really irks me, and my heart will start to break whenever i see all my friends, graduating to Junior colleges and polytechnics, some ITE. Im totally lying if i were to tell you one day,
"Hey! how have you been? Im absolutely fine in Secondary school. " Now i tell you, im lying.

I'm not feeling at the least bit, GOOD. Or whatever. my mum goes around telling people, my daughter doing O level, so naturally, people will think.

Olevel to Secondary 4 to Express to
~~Smart~~

This is like the most natural thing. and I hate it.

I hate everything pertaining to life.

EVERY SINGLE THING

What made me worse was,
Faris made me remember of those 'fond' memories in the past. Those that i really hate alot. I don't want to remember all of them. But i won't blame him, because he don't know anything. ohwells, Sigh.

I hate it. So much.
Get lost will you.

Give me a kick someone, and wake me up.
I hate life,
I feel that im just escaping from reality.

fuck off.

Now,
I would rather study, than to have exams.

I hate exams totally.

My prayers were heard.

I was supposed to be home the whole day, until i received xueqi's sms, that she can meet me and lend me her social studies book. You know, at the point of time, i was dreading God. =x Dreading any God up there, for making me such a forgetful person, dreading that I have alot of bad points, dreading this and that. & hoped that someone up there will save me. I thought that I was just dreading lah, okay.

But, my prayers were sort of heard (:
Xueqi called me, and i can copy my social studies notes. I am rescued for Wednesday's exams. And just now, I managed to copy 26 Factors from the social studies book, in half an hour. WOOT.
Just during that point of time, I felt a relief. No stress, No troubles, nothing, and I just continued writing and trying to memorise at the same time. Half an hour, I managed to do it. ^^

Ohwells, (:
最高境界.
HAHAS.

--------------------------------------------------

Tomorrow I'm having Chinese exam. Both paper 1 and 2.
I swear that I did not touch a single note my teacher gave, except the 好作文, that I just scanned through. Die le. Tomorrow confirm die. I think I can't even write out a proper 报章报道 tomorrow lah! ):

- ~~Worries~~, & pray to God.

Anyone reading my blog now, please pray for me too. I hope I can pass with flying colours. =X
I'm aiming for an A1.
HAHAHA.
I know it's kinda ridiculous or something. And so many people out there's going to kill me. I did not study, and yet I want an A1. LOL.

Anyway, Something even more ridiculous.
Mum and Auntie Mary, decided to do some matchmaking session for me and Auntie mary's son -.-
Which is like _______ ( Please fill in whatever words you want ).

I think it's rather ridiculous la. freak.
ohwells.

Something random, i saw joseph and junwu today outside chew's optics. LOL. (:
whatever.

Nights.

& i love you.
Youknowwho (:

She and I live in the same area, used to have a same boyfriend,
she betrayed me once and now, asking for forgiveness.

She has a boyfriend currently, whom might treat her well. This person is her first love, and might be her last.
They broke up due to his mum, and her mum too, didn't allow. Now, she has a boyfriend, who dote and love her.

What about me?

She broke me and him up. And we couldn't be together.
That totally remind me of the past, and a year ago, when he asked me to return to his side.
You took away my happiness for three years, THREE whole years. I couldn't forgive you for that. Now, I can never trust any one, anymore. At least not any random guys. All because of YOU. Even if I were to forgive you now, we ~~can~~not be friends again.

I tell you now, clearly here.
You = You
Me = Me
There's no 'WE'

To the him, her past, as well as mine.:

& To the him, who have broken my heart right from the start of the 4 years:

& To the same him, who left me all alone in Singapore, and you Australia:

I know you and her broke up, soon after that incident.

I know that you chased after me after i ran down that 20 o' steps of stairs.

I also know that you were waiting for me all the while when you were in Auzy.

Well, I have forgave you my dear.

But, its definitely not enough for us to be together again.

I don't know if you are reading this or not,

because whenever i'm on the phone with you, you will always know what i need, and how am i feeling.

I don't know.

Thanks for always being my angel, but.

I'm sorry.

From, your once beloved.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

4.24pm/editedd

杨宗纬-洋葱

如果你眼神能够为我
片刻的降临
如果你能听到
心碎的声音
沉默的守护著你
沉默的等奇迹
沉默的让自己
像是空气
大家都吃著聊著笑著
今晚多开心
最角落里的我
笑得多合群
盘底的洋葱像我
永远是调味品
偷偷的看著你
偷偷的隐藏著自己
如果你愿意一层一层一层的剥开我的心
你会发现你会讶异
你是我最压抑
最深处的秘密
如果你愿意一层一层一层的剥开我的心
你会鼻酸你会流泪
只要你能听到我
看到我的全心全意

听你说你和你的他们
暧昧的空气
我和我的绝望
装得很风趣
我就样一颗洋葱
永远是配角戏
多希望能与你有一秒
专属的剧情

I came across this song.
So yes, i love its lyrics, so much, that it brought me to tears.
ohwell, enjoy (:

First love
Once in a while
You are in my mind
I think about the days that we had
And i dream that these would all come back to me
If only you knew every moment in time
Nothing goes on in my heart
Just like your memories
How I want here to be with you
Once more

You will always gonna be the one
And you should know
How I wish I could have never let you go
Come into my life again
Oh, don't say no
You will always gonna be the one in my life
So true, I believe i can never find
Somebody like you
my first love

Once in awhile
Your are in my dreams
I can feel the your warm embrace
And I pray that it will all come back to me
If only you knew every moment in time
Nothing goes on in my heart
Just like your memories
And how I want here to be with you
Once more
yah yah yah

You will always be inside my heart
And you should know
How I wish I could have never let you go
Come into my life again
Please don't say no
Now and forever you are still the one
In my heart
So true, I believe I could never find
Somebody like you
My first love
oh oh

You will always gonna be the one
And you should know
How I wish I could have never let you go
Come into my life again
Oh, don't say no
You will always gonna be the one
So true, I believe I could never find
Now and forever

Woohoo.
School officially sucks. (:

I was very tired today, and i practically slept through the whole 4 periods before recess. Ohwell.
During recess, we went to the library(asusual), however, the librarian didn't allow us to use the computer. ARGH. But she let the Guys use. Which is. to us, very unfair.
So, me and christine decided to save the world.
We went in, and we keep 'scolding' her. Say shes an old vigin or something. HAHAHAHA. (:

Ohwell, Night study just now. Went to school for a test.
Foget about it.

Anyway, im so looking forward to tml. Because its my last day in school for the week. Yet i hope time can stop on saturday ): because monday is exam. *SCREEEEEAAMS ):

I have been sleeping at like 3am everyday,
I seriously need my sleep.

Anyway, school was _______ ( as usual), and yes.
today was oral.
It was so terribly done.

ARGH. don't mention it again. ):

Alright. sleeping time.

I finally can complete my rubiks cube, and im like so happy. (:
Thanks shifus: 'Kelly', Weili, Samuel, and Yunxiang (:

-----------------------------

Was in school, and the day went downhill, immediately after recess. Totally no mood. Than after school, went to Yarkam's house and we did alot of stupid stuffs. Watched DBSK's T album's MTVs as well as some parts of their concerts. Woot. Xiah is so cute :D
For those who don't know What im talking about, go to yahoo, and search. DBSK. (:

Ohwells, after that went back to school for night study. Left school at about 8pm, and went to the library. I borrowed 2 storybooks. Well, Im like trying to 临时抱佛脚 for next week's English exam. hahahaha.
Anyway, tomorrow is our class' oral. Im like praying so hard that i won't fail it, because it's kinda important to me. I take it as a gauge to my standard you knowwwwwww.

Alright, i shall go to bed.
I haven been spending alot of time with my bed. I think I should already.
Exams are getting me creeped up. I hate exams, and i suppose no one does. Ohwell, Sleeping time. nights (:

cheeros

I ain't trying to MIA.

To those who have been through O levels should know that my MTL paper O level is starting in 1 month's time.
Yes, not kidding. A month.
People always claim that I am those smarter students in class who really mug hard during/when exams are apporaching. Im not bratting. But seriously, I'm not.

I am not those who mug hard when exam approaches.
I am not those who scores extremely well for exams.
I'm not like CangNing, or Shiteng, or whosoever.

I just know I'm going to be so dead for THAT MTL paper that I will have to take in a month's time. I haven't start mugging, even though i keep telling myself that I WANT to get A1 for that subject. I haven't been able to switch my brain cells to get them to stop playing and start mugging hard. I have been slacking practically every single day. Because, I haven't start mugging.

My main point here is that. I'm so going to be dead.
& for those people who know me well, should know that I'm crapping, by now.
all because of one simple reason. I'm bored, and I ain't mugging.

--------------------------------------------

Enough of the crap.

Today was a fine day. Wasn't emoing as much as the previous days. Had cramps in school. Which is like out of the norm, because I don't usually have cramps. And than, was lessons and than F&N period to the ITC lab.
I love F&N lessons not because of the teacher, nor the subject. It is because I can go to the ITC lab and do whatever things I want to do.

Almost the whole class got infuenced and they were blogshopping.
Some were listening to songs and downloading songs.
Some were blogging and looking at friend's blog.
Some were screaming and crapping in class.

I was online, chatting with bearbear's sister.
I talked to her, alot of things. alot.
Bearbear's sister is a very fun lady. Matured and all. (:
I like her. hahaha.

Ohwell, I couldn't really say/elaborate so much on what I talked to her about. It was somethings about, bearbear. THATS ALL. I'm so not going to say anymore things already.

F&N DM was terribly done. With all the mistakes all over.
Those who are willing to be my guinea pig for my F&N practical please inform me. :D

PS:Was chatting with Weiny the Jiaowei queen just now.
Told her about F&N coursework, and she keep asking me to Jiaowei in my coursework and during O level if I really don't know how to do. HAHA. Thats how her name came about.
Alright.

Cheeros.

A tiring day today. (:

Had sports day early in the morning. Woots. This year without suren, kailing, vickey. Sports day seemed to not have any 'colours'. heh. But anyways, the cheering part, we got 3rd, and the overall sports, we got last. again.

After sports day, went home and fell into a deeeeeeeeep sleep. supposed to meet Tanya at 4pm, in the end I woke up at like 3.10pm? And I need to take like at least 45mins to get to Dover. HAHA.
Managed to reach there in the end, and head straight down to bugis. We went for SHOPPING, at bugis street. weets, going for another round during my June holidays because its forever not enough for us!! we love shopping. heh heh. (:

Ate ajisen, and then Tanya laaaa. Don't wnat to help me eat. Say she full liao. wth. In the end I had to stuff everything down my throat. Very bloated you know!! HAHA. After that we went to take neoprints, ohwell, I didn't know that bearbear was at bugis during that period of time too. O.O

Ohwell, pictures time. :D

At the stadium, notice the 2 little small cuties. HAHA. they're our house mascort. LOL (:

Teaching them the dance steps, and giving out instuctions. Look so professional ah. (:

The very 陌生 machine, even though we used it before like dunno how many times.

LOL, i decorated this. HAHAHA.

We had 999 seconds to do everything. But when we finish decorating everything, its still 999 seconds. HAHA.

Then we took the train home. (:

Look at Tanya's emo face. LOL

So 准 luh she.

I look so spastic in this. LOL

Enjoyed myself so much. So yep. I really hope everyday will be like this.
No school = FREEDOM

我爱没有读书的时候.

& I thought of you today.

---------------------------------------------------------
& mantou told me that stefan got into boys' home for glue sniffing.
Will be inside for 18months. Ohwell.
I really suggest those who started to quit.

You know who im referring to.

Im so going to hate my current life.

Life is all about choosing right/wrong.

If I did chose right in the past, I wouldn't have gone to NA. I might be in SP now with Tanya Twinny, enjoying the guys over there and those stupid lectures.

If I did chose right in the past, I wouldn't have made my mum scold me so terribly that I were made/ were forced to choose the wrong path.

If I were to be given a chance ever again. I would not make the wrong choice.

[IF]

I were to choose again, I would listen to my mum and be a good MAMA-girl.

I were to choose again, I would study so hard that I will get into the course that I love so much.

I were to choose again, I would study hard and not come to NA.

I were to choose again, I would make friends so wisely, that I will analyse them for 1 whole entire year before being friends with them.

If If If, all the Ifs again. Sigh.

------------------------------------------------

Anyway, had PE lesson this morning, but I wasn't in my PE attire.

Ohwells.

Caught some pictures of the 2 NA classes playing captains ball.

It started with like 6VS6, in the end it turn out to be like 10 VS 10? LOL

Even the teacher joined them.

During Social Studies lesson, sort of like emo-ed luh. I keep hitting my hand on the back of my chair.
My chair not pain ley, my hand very pain. There is this blue black on it now. LOL. ):

----------------------------

Anyway, tanya and I on the topic of guys. HEH.
Its like the most interesting topic of the day la. DUH. =/

Going shopping with her like this Friday.
I so love Friday.
Sports day & Meeting with Tanya.
Ohman. (:

I love you Tanya (:

At the stroke of morning, I lost site of myself. I found myself in between the cracks of my bedroom floor, and forever lost.

Yesterday, I tossed and turned myself to bed. I stared at the ceiling. And today, I woke up with dry eyes. I told myself last night that today will be okay. I was going to start a new day, a brand new day. And I knew that I was going to take control of my life. But eventually, reality hit me hard on the back. Emotionally, Mentally, Physically.

I felt totally helpless. I had no one to call out to, no one to think of, and no one to say that he loves you. I felt non-existant, however, at the same time, alive enough to feel the pain, the agony.

I've seen flashes of myself being killed, like I was tied with masking tapes on my hands and mouth, being tied up so tightly that i could barely move. Then, came a flash of light, and beautifully coloured blood dripped out from my wrist. I was being drove to this place, very dark, very big. The next moment, all i could experience was the taste of salt, streaming down my face. I felt numb, all over. I could not move, neither could I hear, nor speak.

I was paralysed until 6.30am.

Back to reality.
Today was like what I've said in my previous post, many things had happened recently.
I know that sometimes, I might be unreasonable.
Unreasonalbe in the sense that, I do things without thinking about the consequence. Ohwell, I think I really have to change that bad habit in me.
BUT, I still don't think that i deserve such treatment although I have this bad habit right. Ask your self, do I deserve such stuffs? I don't think so.

This year did not really start right. I believe that it would just continue this way, until I do something about it. Oh wells.

Towards the end of the day, I feel that I had a loss of love.
I realise, that love is a word I often use. I think that some people believe it just too lightly. But I don't because everything came out from my heart to my lips. Things have been changing alot.

Different sides of people's personality that were not expected of, have been revealed. Thoughts and dreams broken. Once again in my life. I loss.

有时候，我真的不知道该怎么办才好
虽然，当我需要你的时候你都会在我的身边
但是，这些美好的日子是会过去的

i suck.

Like seriously, hais. I don't know whats wrong with my life lately.
EEK! *smacks
Great, i hate this.

So many things have been happening.
So many.

Everyone loves the word 'if ', I don't know why.
The word - if, reminds me of fantasy, fantasy land.
" If only I studied hard, "
" If only I do this, "
" If only I do that, "
If only this, If only that. hais.
*Kicks asses!!

Just know bearbear said.
" If next time you no boyf, and if I also no girlf. Bearbear will want you de." - and again, the word ' If ' is present.
Apparently, he still don't know anything yet. Ok la, no one knows anything. Oh well, I sincerely wishes him and his girlf all the best, but well, *Sighs!

I want to stop this distraught in me. Can I? ):

Alright, i shall not bother about those grief stricken things anymore. Its affecting me hell lot. & I really don't want theeeese to happen. Get out of my life, *SHOO

Right right, i just realise I have yet done my homework, so yep. I shall leave this already. (:
All the best Liying.

I know you can get rid of this.

My life have been like a roller coaster ride.
Ups and downs.

So many things happened within these short few days.
Hais~
I hate these.

The time now is 11:40pm.
Its like can die. Hais, secondary school and secondary friends are so boring. Except for a few of cos. Those that spice up my life SO well (:
Enjoyable and wonderful life in secondary school, I will forever not forget. Yeps. Although its like ________________________________. Nevermind.

School is seriously getting boring lately, because O levels are coming and teachers are not joking much. ):

Sigh.

I really don't like school as much as secondary 2 and 3 already. I don't like the system now. I don't like some of the people around me now. I don't like some teachers and some subjects.

I hate.

I detest.

Certain things are like so ____ nowadays. Fill in the blank yourself.
Bored.

Anyway, going '扫墓' tml. yep. (:

Nights.